I have lately been having dreams about having cancer.
I really don’t know why, but I am definitely not fond of this. Last night I had one of those dreams… I was experiencing severe pain in my skull and immediately decided to go to the ER. Come to find I had a tumor the size of my fist that had grown recently and rather rapidly.
You see, in reality, I have a condition called Neurofibromatosis. Those of you know who me in real life, know this about me. I was diagnosed when I was just a toddler, and have been monitoring my condition since then. Over 2 dozen MRI’s and many many conversations with neurologists, all has been relatively okay. However there was a time period where I actually was experiencing a health scare. I had a blog for this subject, but to keep you from clicking through to different pages, I’ll recap here:
I had an MRI in 2007, and after no change for 14 years, my family decided to take a break from MRI’s for a bit. In Dec 2010 I got an MRI and gave my old images to the Dr to compare. He called me 2 days before I was leaving to go to Boston and told me there was significant growth, and that I needed to come in that day for an emergency MRI. I did just that. Weeks go by (I am in Boston), and he calls me to tell me I need to come back ASAP to meet with a neurosurgeon to talk about surgery. I came back in February and met with her. We scheduled the date for May 25 - I had to finish off my school year. A few days prior, I have my pre opp appointment. I do everything. The MRI. The blood test. The anesthesiologist. Watching that horrid video about brain surgery… Etc. The last thing on the list was to meet with the surgeon again to recap. She walks into her office, and tells us that it shrunk. WHAT? Yes. It shrunk. She proposed the idea of it being an antibody. I had 3 blood tests and 1 spinal tap done to test this… All negative. The outcome? Nothing. I spent 2 months in CA doing tests and just ended up going to Boston as planned. Whatever it was in my brain had continued to shrink. To this day, I do not know if it is a tumor or a worm.
I am not sure what my recent dreams are telling me. Perhaps I am worried that I actually am sick. The tumor in my dream was huge, and I ended up undergoing surgery to remove it.
I can’t help but wonder what is going on. I had an MRI in December, but everything was fine. Though thats the thing about Neurofibromatosis. A tumor can grow at any point in time. That is the sad thing about this disorder. For those who don’t know, or who have not looked it up yet, NF is a neurological condition that causes tumors to grow anywhere in the body - but more usually in the brain and the spine. I have a couple tumors in my brain, and a few on my spine.
As of now, I really can only take things day by day. I am hoping that I am healthy, but if I am sick, then so be it.
I suppose a part of me has accepted the fact that I am more likely to be sick because of my disorder. Not to say that it makes these dreams any easier or anything… I really despise them still.
I can’t help but wonder. What if these dreams are just preparing me?
I used to have them too when I was younger… Dreaming about being hospitalized for my condition and needing to undergo surgery.
I am not sure why I made this post depressing! I wish I could end on a happy note. Not quite sure how.
Maybe just that I am (as far as I know) totally and completely healthy right now!
Fingers crossed these dreams are not actually premonitions.